The VRBO Guest Book
2025
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, events, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
How charming that you left this darling little Hallmark guest book for us to write in. What an adorable touch. It seems from the messages all of your previous guests have been enchanted by the solitude and the quiet grace of the forest that surrounds this place.
Well, we don’t have a problem with the thick stand of evergreens up here. Being in the forest is fine. But we have a huge problem with the steep flight of outside stairs we had to climb to get in. My cousin, Big Joey C, threw out his back hauling up the fourth keg of Coors Banquet.
Sadly, the hot tub wasn’t hot at all. Your barely lukewarm tub did nothing to provide Joey with any relief. No wonder he tore the cutesy bear head wrapped in a calico bandana off the living room wall and tossed it off the back deck.
That flight of stairs is a big time buzz kill. With Big Joey C out of commission, it took three of us to haul up the Altec Lansing Voice of the Theater speakers. Two of us wound up with splinters from the unfinished handrails. You really need to get those sanded down or more blood will spill on your lumpy sofas.
If you’re curious as to why the bathroom door upstairs has been ripped off its hinges, well, that’s what happens when a toilet can’t properly flush away the remnants of bratwurst.
And on the subject of bratwurst, it’s nothing short of a miracle we were able to get your rickety propane grill to fire up. The starter was shot. The rusty propane tank you left was just about empty. The black charring you might notice on the roof over the back deck is the result of giving your guests a grill that requires a few minor explosions to ignite.
The wire brush for cleaning the grill’s grubby grate, which was caked with the detritus of a thousand burgers, was worn down and useless. That’s why you’ll find it stabbed through the drywall in the kitchen.
Otherwise, Big Joey C’s girlfriend, Donna the Croat, didn’t mean to spill her Russian River Pinot Noir on the carpet. Accidents happen. You should have seen her, dancing up a storm, glass in hand, Pinot sloshing manically to the rhythm of the Stones “Rip This Joint” thundering out of the Altec Lansings.
And you might be wondering why your 75 inch Samsung TV was ripped off the wall. Well, that’s what happens when the low rent internet service conks out when the Saints have the ball on the three yard line in a tie game with the Falcons in the fourth quarter with two seconds on the clock.
Now, granted, Angry Ace LeDuc probably didn’t have to throw the big screen out the window and shatter that huge pane of glass. He could easily have left the screen on the floor after stomping on it. But we figure you can understand this given the fact Ace’s brother Antoine is a Saints right tackle.
So that’s it.
Unlike all the previous guests who have written lovely messages of appreciation in your cute little Hallmark guestbook, we won’t thank you for letting us stay in your home.
After all, this is a moneymaking proposition for you. How many thank you notes does Hyatt get? Shouldn’t you be thanking us?
And should you happen to notice a few minor damages left in our wake, the normal wear and tear…
Don’t even consider holding back our security deposit or attempting to recover additional repair and replacement fees.
Big Joey C’s Armenian attorney is salivating, ready to file suit under the Americans with Disabilities Act.
You really should do something about those outside steps before guests less respectful of other’s property than we are rent your place.
